get fat, its the new sexy

♥ 8:18 PM

Who wouldn't speak of, pamper, spoil their love?

And to think that I have so much going on in my mind, its becoming such an internal struggle. I'm torn apart, into two halves, each telling me either. Inside me. Having to go through all the pain and sorrows everyday as well, and to take the dilemma inside me, tell me, what am i supposed to do? I've gone for counseling, something i totally avoid, and have thoughts against it since young. It only shows that I really want to help myself, I want to stop the whirl going inside my mind that's sucking every life out of me. For months, I have been torturing myself. Pretending to be oblivious to the easy way out. Also, to have to put my best foot out for shooting, struggle to do well, while knowing very well that I'm supposed to be on hiatus. For a break for my mind.

At the start of the year, I loathed going to Safra, and to think that training is placed before studies. Having to step into the range, passing through the swinging doors, breathing in air of target cards. They were all that I was trying to get away from. School wasn't very pleasant too, I often had to bury my face in my pillow at night, to be disguised as a sleeping person. Never have i stopped, to search for a way out. I tried to set differences aside, I tried to love it all again. Not that I don't love my joy and passion, but the feeling has been strongly contaminated by incidents of the past, in which i had never gotten free of.

Me myself, don't even have a clue on why I can't move on. It was a feeling i seriously couldn't shake. Even though it goes into hibernation sometimes, it will always be back, forcing me to have countless sleepless nights, and ever decreasing appetites. Cut out all the words on me being silly. Cut out all the words on me being childish. You'll never know how much some things mean to me, and how devastated i can get. You think I don't want to be the silly Irish man who laughs all day? You know how much i yearn for it. To be honest, I hate shooting, I absolutely hate it. So much that I can't find my interest for the sport anymore. I hate that shooting has brought me so much sorrows, hurt me time and time again, took my joy away, took my social life away, took my leisure time away. Now I realise, I was wrong. I shouldn't have stuck to shooting so much that I neglected everything else. In the end, what I've got, is just this. Stop saying that I'm too weak. Stop saying that what i hate is just safra and the association and everything else. I hate shooting alright, I despite my gun, I throw my equipment around, hoping it all will break. But yet, I can't let go of it. I know how much I used to love it, how much I used to spoil it. This love, just isn't there anymore. Its fading so much its becoming the background. I'm sure, there will be a way I can love it all again, and that's what that has been encouraging me to stay, forcing me to stay. There's no way I will be giving it all up just like that. At least for now, I need my time.

Just last year, I got struck by my greatest fears, facing it all alone, amidst of whispers, deceits, uncertainty, lies. Does anyone even know what my fear was? I have been facing life alone since young, growing with an imbalance. Bewildered about why I was different, having a little clue about it, and dismissing that thought. I had everything, but nothing in my heart, I felt so empty. The fact that you don't bother about how much i deem it as something very important, something dear to my heart, something I care about so much, it disappoints me utterly. Telling me to stay strong always, hey, everyone knows that. Besides words, there's nothing. These can't fill my heart up. Its not a solution. The next time, you forget all about it, & you ASSUME that i'm alright. Spending a little more time on it kills you isn't it? Where's the support I needed? Stop skipping all the parts and forgetting about it cause its troublesome.

Know something? Its the kind of 'comfort' and 'support' you give me that makes me want to give it all up. Since you don't pay much attention to the difficulties in shooting that I have, I feel even more depressed and the feeling of giving up only gets stronger.

by the lake